You Can't Always Get What You Want

As I get up for the third time (it is 3am) the Rolling Stones Song You “Can’t Always Get what You Want” is rolling through my head (forgive the pun)

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want

It has been a rough night. I knew by 10 that I wouldn’t have an easy time of it. So, after icing my back, using a heating pad on both my shoulders and knee I gave up and went to the computer to write.

What I would like is a body that isn’t in pain. A body which will let me have one day of blissful, painless times. A body which will let me sleep!

After having my knee surgery I had high hopes that the problems with my back and leg would be through. I have found a long hard journey, which I am still on. It is doubtful at this point that the back issue will get better (which doesn’t surprise me) and my shoulders have taken a beating because of the walker and cane.

I just want to go to bed at 11, knowing I will sleep through the night. But, those nights are far and few between. So I started to sing the song in my head..... No, you can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want.........I know what I want. But, what do I need?

Certainly sleep is important, but I am fortunate where I can sort of make up sleep the next day. I am able to slow myself down a bit enough to recharge. It is hard though when you feel like your body is sucking you dry of drive and energy. You have intentions, great intentions for the day. Paint, clean the room, wash some clothes, polish, sew ...they all go by the wayside after a night like tonight.

I’ve always have been the type of person who looks deeper into my own issues. If I am depressed, I can usually figure out why. When I have been handed a blow, I can usually find the mustard seed needed to hope. Maybe that is what the rest of the song means

You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

I may never be a healthy person, but I will have empathy. If I cannot function physically I can function mentally. I pray a lot during these times. Not for myself, but for others and their situations. I struggle to find patience in my troubles and rarely give up. I have hope tomorrow WILL be better. Even if it isn’t, there is always another tomorrow.

I travel my valleys of despair, be they nightly or in a troubled situation knowing I don’t walk alone. I often remember the poem about “Jesus carrying you” when there is one set of foot prints in the sand. Jesus carries me a lot. Sometimes, I admit, that I would love to feel the hands in a mortal sense.

No, tonight will turn into morning before my eyes will close in sleep. Though frustrating in the moment I still can find to give of myself, if even in the most basic ways. Tonight I look at this situation and say how do I not work “through” the valley, but find some sense of meaning while I am “in” it.

So, I wouldn’t be who I am without sleep? That is the truth (and yes there is a smile on my face) Sometimes we just need to bear what needs to be bared. Walking step by step not really knowing the outcome.

There have been times I have cried in pain or in frustration. I feel guilt for not having a normal body, which meets with the expectations of what I deem normal! I am tired of being unique and different. It brings me pain, frustration and loss.

On the other hand it has made me strong of mind and soft in heart. I know what it is like to suffer alone in the dark. It is lonely. It is heartbreaking at times. When you feel like you want to reach for the stars and all you get is the dirt under your nails form the deep pit you are in.

I recently was talking to a gal who shared with me that she is coming out of a valley of divorce. I was shocked that she had carried this pain for so long. She shared with me about all the books she read about getting to the mountaintops. Not one said how to appreciate the journey in the valley.

By nature who wants to? We don’t always feel like we will come out better people. In fact we are so often paralyzed by figuring out where to go from minute to minute that you can even forget to breath. Can we face tomorrow when facing today seems so overwhelming?

What skills, what points do you present to someone in the valley of despair, pain (physical or mental) or loss? It is easy to revert to those time honored platitudes. Useless as they are. More often a word of comfort, affection and support will suffice and let that someone hold on for at least the moment.

My body sits here wanting to nod off. On the other hand I am finding that moment of “You get what you need”. What I need to do is take a good look at myself in the valley and not in “I am better than you are” way. The steps and techniques that lets me figure who I am in the moment. Maybe this could help someone like my friend. This brave woman who humbles me by her honesty and hope. Someone who wears battle scars and yet has not been driven into resentment. How can I and other support people who need us to carry them in the sand?

Maybe another sleepless night gives me more than I bargain for after all.