This is a cross over post from my other blog 

http://renderingsofarenaissancewoman.blogspot.com/
Renderings of a Renaissance Woman

I'll Never Walk Alone

When you see long gaps in blogs you wonder, what is going on with this chick?  

Well, long story short (at least for now) back in the spring of 2014 I was diagnosed with colon cancer.  I was blessed in many ways with this.  I know that sounds strange but timing was perfect.  If I had my test on the planned original surgical date, I would have been clean and would not have another test for 10 years!!!  In that ten year time I would have had to have most likely developed symptoms and the cancer would be quite developed.  My cancer literally grew into cancer in the short time between the two colonoscopies; about two weeks.

I had originally was suppose to have my routine colonoscopy back in the summer of 2013 but I came down with a cold and I had to reschedule.  I was told they were booking out and was asked to call in December.  No problem.  Who doesn't want to delay the "pooper scope" anyway.  I did call in December (I am rather good like that) and they didn't have an opening until May.  So on my birthday in May of 2014 I had colonoscopy #1.  Although I had no polyp's (yea!) there was a fold in the colon and so the doctor took several samples.  The samples were "inconclusive" and I was asked to take another test immediately.  I was currently non symptomatic; I had no indications there was anything wrong.  So, the area was marked with a tattoo and many more tissue samples were taken in the second procedure.  Within a week I got a call from the doctor that everyone dreads.  I had cancer.  If I had not a cold back in 2013, I would be in a very dire situation.

I do plan on explaining this journey in more detail in this blog and also in my other blog 

 

http://renderingsofarenaissancewoman.blogspot.com/ 
Renderings of a Renaissance Woman
In fact, my plan is to write two biblical studies.  One for Advent and another for Lent.

 

For now, I am in remission but, I also live with cancer cells in my body.  Last week I had a ultrasound on my thyroid, which showed a node which appears hard.  So, I should know next week when I will go in for my biopsy.  For at least the next 3 years I am at a high risk.  My doctors are staying on top of things, now I need to do the same.  It sometimes hard juggling doctors, blood work, test, visits and yet also take care of my spiritual being and my walk and relationship with God.

God Intervention

I am in need of a God intervention.  I am scared (pain, although I do have a very high tolerance) I am frightened that I will not die well.  I have been with individuals who were bitter and angry to the end, and those who saw family members who have past surrounding them, preparing them to pass the bridge from Earthly life to eternal life.  I desire to be like those individuals that when the time comes who will come to terms and face death and reconciliation with God with an overwhelming grace, warmth and peace. 

 

I Am Waiting

 

 

I have made a vow to my self to live each day as it is, a gift.  I cannot tell the time, the date, nor the hour.  I cannot even say it will be cancer that takes me.

Today, as I came to this conclusion, I was listening to some music from a link on my Face Book account.  What I came to were a few songs that just slapped me and answered that silent prayer I was forming. I sure was having a hard time feeling Him at times. Cancer is nothing if not confusing.  It drives me nuts the way it plays with one's feelings.  In remission?   Yes.  Still have cancer?  Yes.  it sounds like an oxymoron.  This is explained better in my "bigger story" which I am currently working on.

So, now to the purpose of my post.  As I said I am waiting.  Now, I am not the most patient of gals and I am terrible with an endless case of "what if...."  I was functioning, but, I was missing something.

So Sings My Soul

Music and lyrics have always found me.  I often did not even know I was seeking.  I was just listening to music when I heard this, one of a few songs that seemed to speak to my heart.  Singing what I could not say.  Words that are like angel wings.. softly caressing my fears until they find a unimaginable peace.  It is like the first time you hear a song and say "that is a great song" It goes beyond being a good listening song, or dancing, grooving or driving song.  It is almost like a key that has been found and the turning of the lock releases a treasure of comfort!  It becomes supernatural in nature because it can touch your soul.

This song is so comforting and I know I will be needing it, maybe you will too.  I need to trust in God and his strong foundation.

http://renderingsofarenaissancewoman.blogspot.com/
Renderings of a Renaissance Woman

You'll Never Walk Alone

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark

At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain

Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

 Walk on walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk

You'll never walk
You'll never walk alone 

http://www.metrolyrics.com/youll-never-walk-alone-lyrics-ge…
Read more: Gerry And The Pacemakers - You´ll Never Walk Alone Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Gerry And The Pacemakers - You´ll Never Walk Alone Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Lyrics to 'You´ll Never Walk Alone' by Gerry And The Pacemakers. When you walk through a storm / Hold your head up high / And don't be afraid of the dark / At

metrolyrics.com

Posted by Ginny (aka Mia Burke) at 4/22/2015 10:35:00 PM No comments:

The Ghost of Fear

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I was caught off guard with the slamming of my hope and joy on to the tiled bathroom.  Splintering into shards of raw emotion ripping through my weakened reserve.  I quickly sucked in a breath as my lips quivered uncontrolled as I tried to get myself to walk out the bathroom door.  My husband had taken the day off.  He was not use to seeing me break down but today was not one day that I could keep up the facade that he had grown accustomed to.  I usually kept these emotions that could break me at bay when Chris was not around.  It wasn’t fair to drag him with me down that slippery slope called depression.  I have been fortunate that he had been spared many of these emotional times of mine.

I was scared. When I came out of the chemo induced coma and my life would never be the same.  There were still cancer cells in my body, at least there was a very good chance they still existed.  With only getting two treatments I wondered what could that have possibly done?  Speaking with a very astute doctor in Boston reminded me not to underestimate what could have happened.  The chemo was in my body too long for my body to function against the destruction that was happening to my brain.  Because it was in by body so long the treatment could have indeed worked.

Usually I hold on fiercely to that and function with all the rest to the back door of my brain.  But today as I shower I go over the place where the chemo port had been in my body is still tender from being removed.

It was flooded with the realization that the next month would have been the last of my chemo treatments and that God willing all those isolated cancer cells would have been destroyed.  Instead I will be taking a test in the next two weeks to see if the cancer has grown or developed.  Slap.  In reality of “what next” flooded my already raw emotions.  

I had fought hard to come out of that coma.  Fully believing that had I not fought I would have died.  So I wondered why did I live (a miracle in itself) if I were just to get cancer again.

There was no way I would go through this day without  breaking down.  So, as best as I could muster I told my husband that I was having and emotional day.  I told him my fear.  Fear of pain and of suffering.  Of receiving one miracle after the other all my life to come down to watching and waiting my whole life long.  I was a hot mess.

He let me be.  He made me lunch, he cuddled me, he not just embraced my body but surrounded my tender soul with hope only a love one can give.  It can be all pretend, but you choose to allow yourself to be encouraged and the fear begins to be once again be pushed down, covered and stomped on.  Until the next time.

You both live in this almost pretend world.  Your trust in God is still strong because you know it truly is in His hands.  You trust Him and know that when that time does come, that the hand that reaches for you, will remove the pain, the fear and suffering.   This door is for you, not just to exit, but to enter as His perfect being.  

It is days like these that I pray forward.  That tender facade is stronger than I can imagine.  It let’s me put one foot in front of the other.  Embracing each day and making different priorities in my life that I pray I can reach.  They are not far reaching, but like a brisk walk on the fall day it feels good when you are participating in something worth while. Yet, you wonder if it makes a difference.  Dare I hope?

It haunts me.  Like a ghost who roams, my thoughts fly forward and backward as I gather control of my feelings.  I know that during these times one would not be surprised about these moments of depression considering what the facts are.  But, to me it all reminds me of a ghost  that walks the hallways trying for a different outcome, only to continue to be on the hamster wheel not knowing enough to get themselves off.  Or, have I eventually learned enough not to participate in this dizzying practice to begin with.

I am tired.  I will go to bed and say prayers while holding a rosary.  A relic  of my childhood I now find comfort in using them to center and guide me while I say those repetitive prayers.  Feeling better after each one, I begin to doze.  I will sleep soon and pray that I have a good night for sleeping (because these are getting harder to come by as well)  A small reprieve from the internal clock I feel ticking inside.  I relax and breath deliberately and as I say my last prayer. I know He knows me by name.  I know he has been beside me since the day of my birth.  Maybe wondering what I would accomplish with that free will he so lovingly imparted.  Because of this free will, we choose to love Him and desire to be loved back.  All the way back to the essence of our soul.

Tonight I will feel the love and for now I will be satisfied that I live for today and must learn that this will be my way of life.  Blessed even during fear and the haunting thoughts from the back of my brain.  For now, that is okay.

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