As I get up for the third time (it is 3am) the Rolling Stones Song You “Can’t Always Get what You Want” is rolling through my head (forgive the pun)
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
It has been a rough night. I knew by 10 that I wouldn’t have an easy time of it. So, after icing my back, using a heating pad on both my shoulders and knee I gave up and went to the computer to write.
What I would like is a body that isn’t in pain. A body which will let me have one day of blissful, painless times. A body which will let me sleep!
After having my knee surgery I had high hopes that the problems with my back and leg would be through. I have found a long hard journey, which I am still on. It is doubtful at this point that the back issue will get better (which doesn’t surprise me) and my shoulders have taken a beating because of the walker and cane.
I just want to go to bed at 11, knowing I will sleep through the night. But, those nights are far and few between. So I started to sing the song in my head..... No, you can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want.........I know what I want. But, what do I need?
Certainly sleep is important, but I am fortunate where I can sort of make up sleep the next day. I am able to slow myself down a bit enough to recharge. It is hard though when you feel like your body is sucking you dry of drive and energy. You have intentions, great intentions for the day. Paint, clean the room, wash some clothes, polish, sew ...they all go by the wayside after a night like tonight.
I’ve always have been the type of person who looks deeper into my own issues. If I am depressed, I can usually figure out why. When I have been handed a blow, I can usually find the mustard seed needed to hope. Maybe that is what the rest of the song means
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need
I may never be a healthy person, but I will have empathy. If I cannot function physically I can function mentally. I pray a lot during these times. Not for myself, but for others and their situations. I struggle to find patience in my troubles and rarely give up. I have hope tomorrow WILL be better. Even if it isn’t, there is always another tomorrow.
I travel my valleys of despair, be they nightly or in a troubled situation knowing I don’t walk alone. I often remember the poem about “Jesus carrying you” when there is one set of foot prints in the sand. Jesus carries me a lot. Sometimes, I admit, that I would love to feel the hands in a mortal sense.
No, tonight will turn into morning before my eyes will close in sleep. Though frustrating in the moment I still can find to give of myself, if even in the most basic ways. Tonight I look at this situation and say how do I not work “through” the valley, but find some sense of meaning while I am “in” it.
So, I wouldn’t be who I am without sleep? That is the truth (and yes there is a smile on my face) Sometimes we just need to bear what needs to be bared. Walking step by step not really knowing the outcome.
There have been times I have cried in pain or in frustration. I feel guilt for not having a normal body, which meets with the expectations of what I deem normal! I am tired of being unique and different. It brings me pain, frustration and loss.
On the other hand it has made me strong of mind and soft in heart. I know what it is like to suffer alone in the dark. It is lonely. It is heartbreaking at times. When you feel like you want to reach for the stars and all you get is the dirt under your nails form the deep pit you are in.
I recently was talking to a gal who shared with me that she is coming out of a valley of divorce. I was shocked that she had carried this pain for so long. She shared with me about all the books she read about getting to the mountaintops. Not one said how to appreciate the journey in the valley.
By nature who wants to? We don’t always feel like we will come out better people. In fact we are so often paralyzed by figuring out where to go from minute to minute that you can even forget to breath. Can we face tomorrow when facing today seems so overwhelming?
What skills, what points do you present to someone in the valley of despair, pain (physical or mental) or loss? It is easy to revert to those time honored platitudes. Useless as they are. More often a word of comfort, affection and support will suffice and let that someone hold on for at least the moment.
My body sits here wanting to nod off. On the other hand I am finding that moment of “You get what you need”. What I need to do is take a good look at myself in the valley and not in “I am better than you are” way. The steps and techniques that lets me figure who I am in the moment. Maybe this could help someone like my friend. This brave woman who humbles me by her honesty and hope. Someone who wears battle scars and yet has not been driven into resentment. How can I and other support people who need us to carry them in the sand?
Maybe another sleepless night gives me more than I bargain for after all.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
What to Remember?
This weekend the United States celebrates Memorial Day. It got me to thinking. I know it about remembering our dead who died in war, but I began to wonder which dead? Looking on the Wikipedia site I find that there really was an evolution to it all.
Formally known as Decoration Day it commemorated the men and women who died while in military service. It was first enacted to honor UNION soldiers of the American Civil War. It was celebrated near the day of reunification, and expanded after World War I.
Following the Civil War communities (mostly in the south) set aside a day to mark the end of the war. The combined celebrations coalesced around Decoration Day, honoring the Union dead and then several including several Confederate memorial Days.
The first observance was on May 5, 1866. In 1868 it would be observed nationwide. Some of the Southern states refused to celebrate Decoration Day. An alternative name of Memorial Day was first established in 1882. It did not become more common until after WWII and actually not officially named by the Federal law until 1967. YES...1967 On June 28, 1968 the United States Congress passed the Uniform Holidays Bill which moved three holidays to their original dates to specified Mondays, in order to create a "convenient" three day weekend. After some initial confusion and unwillingness to comply all 50 states adopted the measure within a few years.
The national moment of remembrance takes place at 3 p.m. local time. The flag is flown half-staff from dawn until noon, local time. Flags are often placed on grave sites.
So there you have the history, so now here is an emotional perspective. War, good or bad happens. We owe so much to so many. To remember we are observing all military all the way back to our own horrid history of war within is profound. Men and woman are called. They are there representing those who could not represent themselves. Regardless of our personal issues on the word and acts of "WAR", here in our own country the foundation of freedom came from these acts. What would be as a country had not someone taken a stand for freedom? But yet, healing happened as well.
In today's time the idea of making "long weekends" somewhat diminished the meaning. Certainly we love to celebrate but do you know what you celebrate on memorial day? It's not the parades, cookouts, concerts and outings. It is LOSS. It is APPRECIATION. It is RECONCILIATION TO WHAT THE WORLD SHOULD BE AND ISN'T.
I am not talking about all the stuff going on now, in fact government does not call these events "War" they are called many things but not wars. There is a reason for that. Be your political bent or personal opinion I find no good reason that Memorial Day should not be sacred, holy in fact. It was the ultimate sacrifice that one can never repay, but one can be thankful.
So, as you pick up that dog and a beer remember that the slaves were set free, the Jewish people were released from the horrors of camps and unjust human cruelty has been thwarted all because brave men and woman had a call to save them, and you.
Formally known as Decoration Day it commemorated the men and women who died while in military service. It was first enacted to honor UNION soldiers of the American Civil War. It was celebrated near the day of reunification, and expanded after World War I.
Following the Civil War communities (mostly in the south) set aside a day to mark the end of the war. The combined celebrations coalesced around Decoration Day, honoring the Union dead and then several including several Confederate memorial Days.
The first observance was on May 5, 1866. In 1868 it would be observed nationwide. Some of the Southern states refused to celebrate Decoration Day. An alternative name of Memorial Day was first established in 1882. It did not become more common until after WWII and actually not officially named by the Federal law until 1967. YES...1967 On June 28, 1968 the United States Congress passed the Uniform Holidays Bill which moved three holidays to their original dates to specified Mondays, in order to create a "convenient" three day weekend. After some initial confusion and unwillingness to comply all 50 states adopted the measure within a few years.
The national moment of remembrance takes place at 3 p.m. local time. The flag is flown half-staff from dawn until noon, local time. Flags are often placed on grave sites.
So there you have the history, so now here is an emotional perspective. War, good or bad happens. We owe so much to so many. To remember we are observing all military all the way back to our own horrid history of war within is profound. Men and woman are called. They are there representing those who could not represent themselves. Regardless of our personal issues on the word and acts of "WAR", here in our own country the foundation of freedom came from these acts. What would be as a country had not someone taken a stand for freedom? But yet, healing happened as well.
In today's time the idea of making "long weekends" somewhat diminished the meaning. Certainly we love to celebrate but do you know what you celebrate on memorial day? It's not the parades, cookouts, concerts and outings. It is LOSS. It is APPRECIATION. It is RECONCILIATION TO WHAT THE WORLD SHOULD BE AND ISN'T.
I am not talking about all the stuff going on now, in fact government does not call these events "War" they are called many things but not wars. There is a reason for that. Be your political bent or personal opinion I find no good reason that Memorial Day should not be sacred, holy in fact. It was the ultimate sacrifice that one can never repay, but one can be thankful.
So, as you pick up that dog and a beer remember that the slaves were set free, the Jewish people were released from the horrors of camps and unjust human cruelty has been thwarted all because brave men and woman had a call to save them, and you.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Let the birthdays stop!
Ok, I am now almost in my mid 50's. I don't feel that old, I don't act that old, my face isn't that old. BUT, the body sure is!
As I celebrate my birthday this week I have decided that the birthdays have to stop. I have always been one that has never been caught up in age. In fact I rarely can remember how old I am. I am always saying I am a year older, or younger. Not that I am trying to hide (or ahem... improve) my age it is just I don't really care.
I can remember waiting on the horrors of turning 40 and then 50.... well, it just didn't happen. I have not had any midlife crisis, no depression, no brooding about what hasn't been done in my life. Truth is I am happy right where I am. I have always used the "practice of contentment" (I am sure I will write on this at another time in my other blog called A Time and Season) so I can honestly say in the past 20 years, life has been pretty darn good.
Now, that is not to say there has not been pain, sorrow and a ton of other heart breaking times. But, when looking at the whole picture I can really say I am blessed and mean it.
So, when I woke up this morning I decided trying to remember my age was just a waste of my time and I always had to ask my husband Chris! He, does seem to care so he is in the know. We are seven months apart, but born in the same year.
At Christmas I declared to the family that they no longer had to buy birthday gifts. Although, because the family only celebrates the birthdays twice a year my birthday was very often a month later it's actual date. It just seems a little weird celebrating so far off. It is also a time when there is nothing that I want of value is something that one can buy. I want peace, joy, happiness.... Well, let me say plan to make a memory with me....now that I can get into. Making memories with family is special.
I would love just to get together for the SAKE of getting together. No purpose (as a birthday). That would be even more special!
So next year if you ask me how old I am, I still will not remember and I will say I have stopped the birthdays. Not for the reason you might think, but because being special is an every day event for me. I am loved. Now that is something to celebrate about.
As I celebrate my birthday this week I have decided that the birthdays have to stop. I have always been one that has never been caught up in age. In fact I rarely can remember how old I am. I am always saying I am a year older, or younger. Not that I am trying to hide (or ahem... improve) my age it is just I don't really care.
I can remember waiting on the horrors of turning 40 and then 50.... well, it just didn't happen. I have not had any midlife crisis, no depression, no brooding about what hasn't been done in my life. Truth is I am happy right where I am. I have always used the "practice of contentment" (I am sure I will write on this at another time in my other blog called A Time and Season) so I can honestly say in the past 20 years, life has been pretty darn good.
Now, that is not to say there has not been pain, sorrow and a ton of other heart breaking times. But, when looking at the whole picture I can really say I am blessed and mean it.
So, when I woke up this morning I decided trying to remember my age was just a waste of my time and I always had to ask my husband Chris! He, does seem to care so he is in the know. We are seven months apart, but born in the same year.
At Christmas I declared to the family that they no longer had to buy birthday gifts. Although, because the family only celebrates the birthdays twice a year my birthday was very often a month later it's actual date. It just seems a little weird celebrating so far off. It is also a time when there is nothing that I want of value is something that one can buy. I want peace, joy, happiness.... Well, let me say plan to make a memory with me....now that I can get into. Making memories with family is special.
I would love just to get together for the SAKE of getting together. No purpose (as a birthday). That would be even more special!
So next year if you ask me how old I am, I still will not remember and I will say I have stopped the birthdays. Not for the reason you might think, but because being special is an every day event for me. I am loved. Now that is something to celebrate about.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
This week our Adult Sunday school started to read Case for the Creator. So far it seems interesting. It is taking a non believer who is a journalist named Lee Strobel who set out to prove there is no God, only to come to the end of that journey and become a believer. It takes a look at science and how it CAN be compatible to Christian beliefs.
In a world and generation that expects instant gratification and proof positive the idea of faith can be elusive. I find most often that the journey of faith last a life time and if we are lucky somewhere along the way we allow the Holy Spirit to take us in and find not just comfort but hope.
When studying a book like Strobel's I find confidence in my faith journey, walk if you will. It is like I see all through the words of this verse from Hebrews. I believe that through faith in God we have hope... and hope can be unmeasurable.
He holds me and keeps me. I know that because I belong to Him that I can hope for tomorrow, even if that tomorrow should be in His Heaven. With God I am able to say I have sacred worth and value beyond human measure. This in itself means I am a treasure to God. Unique, like no other but loved like many. For all my tomorrows which may be loaded with pain and sorry I can still see a light on the other side.
One question that came up during the study is how do you impart this hope, this faith. I maintain that I cannot. I fully expect that any transformation in a persons soul comes through the Holy Spirit. I may be a vehicle in which the Holy Spirit may find an opening but the credit goes to Him.
The first thing I do when this comes up is pray. I pray that the Holy Spirit descends upon them. I pray that my words may find some one curious and fill them with a sense of wonder. Who is that chicky-poo over there that smiles and laughs even through tragedy. Who is that woman who listens with her heart and mind and comforts one even in the most difficult of times. Who is that daughter of Abraham who never takes the world serious enough that it leaves no room for a Heaven.
Yes, I live in the shadow of hope and pray daily for faith. Can we give or even explain our faith to a non believer. On my own I would say no. No words could be that powerful to touch the soul. This takes a Divine intervention. I have to convey that to whom ever shall ask. They would have to know that if there comes a time that they have found God it was because of His intervention and not me. I am nothing special in the eyes of another person, but through the eyes of God, we are all special.
There have been times I have prayed for non believers. To let God engulf them, hold them. Sometimes it has happened in a time that I can witness, but, more often it will happen when I don't know of it. Maybe that is the way it is suppose to be, least we get ahead of ourselves and forget to give credit where credit is due.
These are just a few opening thoughts about this study. I am sure I will have more. Meantime I am praying that all those who are questioning, seeking, wanting so badly to have faith and hope...I pray that the Holy Spirit shall visit you and a meaningful and moving way.
In a world and generation that expects instant gratification and proof positive the idea of faith can be elusive. I find most often that the journey of faith last a life time and if we are lucky somewhere along the way we allow the Holy Spirit to take us in and find not just comfort but hope.
Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that Hebrews 11:1 is one of my favorite bible verses. Although different bible formats say it a bit differently it is all about the hope. Hope based on faith and faith alone.The Triumphs of Faith
1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 2 For by it the men of old gained approval. 3 By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible. (New American Standard)
When studying a book like Strobel's I find confidence in my faith journey, walk if you will. It is like I see all through the words of this verse from Hebrews. I believe that through faith in God we have hope... and hope can be unmeasurable.
He holds me and keeps me. I know that because I belong to Him that I can hope for tomorrow, even if that tomorrow should be in His Heaven. With God I am able to say I have sacred worth and value beyond human measure. This in itself means I am a treasure to God. Unique, like no other but loved like many. For all my tomorrows which may be loaded with pain and sorry I can still see a light on the other side.
One question that came up during the study is how do you impart this hope, this faith. I maintain that I cannot. I fully expect that any transformation in a persons soul comes through the Holy Spirit. I may be a vehicle in which the Holy Spirit may find an opening but the credit goes to Him.
The first thing I do when this comes up is pray. I pray that the Holy Spirit descends upon them. I pray that my words may find some one curious and fill them with a sense of wonder. Who is that chicky-poo over there that smiles and laughs even through tragedy. Who is that woman who listens with her heart and mind and comforts one even in the most difficult of times. Who is that daughter of Abraham who never takes the world serious enough that it leaves no room for a Heaven.
Yes, I live in the shadow of hope and pray daily for faith. Can we give or even explain our faith to a non believer. On my own I would say no. No words could be that powerful to touch the soul. This takes a Divine intervention. I have to convey that to whom ever shall ask. They would have to know that if there comes a time that they have found God it was because of His intervention and not me. I am nothing special in the eyes of another person, but through the eyes of God, we are all special.
There have been times I have prayed for non believers. To let God engulf them, hold them. Sometimes it has happened in a time that I can witness, but, more often it will happen when I don't know of it. Maybe that is the way it is suppose to be, least we get ahead of ourselves and forget to give credit where credit is due.
These are just a few opening thoughts about this study. I am sure I will have more. Meantime I am praying that all those who are questioning, seeking, wanting so badly to have faith and hope...I pray that the Holy Spirit shall visit you and a meaningful and moving way.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The End of the Matter
I was listening to Carrie Marshall's new CD Redemption and the song The End of the Matter touched me.
http://www.carriemarshall.net/fr_about.cfm
There are times when I look to the day to day things in life and I wonder where it all leads to? We struggle to balance our life, sometimes struggling to keep our head above the waters of life. Last week would have been a perfect example. A death, a funeral, commitments galore at the church, a retreat. I was so tired, the well was spiritually getting low.
Well, today I can say.... Welcome to Life! I brush out the clutter of my mind and think.... This is my life. The depth of who I am is not in the narrative of one day, or even one week. It is the sum total of all my days, all my weeks, all my hours. All those simple moments that reflect the love of God in my life. My heart tenders.
Running to Him who loves me, I long for the hands that hold my spirit. I find the refreshment of love in looking out my window onto the garden as everything is coming up; as it does each spring. The leaves of the cherry tree makes shadows, letting the light filter in allowing the cat to find a warm spot on the rug. These moments of refreshment sustain me.
In the end, as Carrie sings "There's just one thing that really matters...Do I love you" The sum of the matter is all that I am is His. I am His and He is mine. Yes, I do love you, with all I am and all I will be..
http://www.carriemarshall.net/fr_about.cfm
There are times when I look to the day to day things in life and I wonder where it all leads to? We struggle to balance our life, sometimes struggling to keep our head above the waters of life. Last week would have been a perfect example. A death, a funeral, commitments galore at the church, a retreat. I was so tired, the well was spiritually getting low.
Well, today I can say.... Welcome to Life! I brush out the clutter of my mind and think.... This is my life. The depth of who I am is not in the narrative of one day, or even one week. It is the sum total of all my days, all my weeks, all my hours. All those simple moments that reflect the love of God in my life. My heart tenders.
Running to Him who loves me, I long for the hands that hold my spirit. I find the refreshment of love in looking out my window onto the garden as everything is coming up; as it does each spring. The leaves of the cherry tree makes shadows, letting the light filter in allowing the cat to find a warm spot on the rug. These moments of refreshment sustain me.
In the end, as Carrie sings "There's just one thing that really matters...Do I love you" The sum of the matter is all that I am is His. I am His and He is mine. Yes, I do love you, with all I am and all I will be..
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A Day of New Beginnings!
Well today starts a new journey for me. I have kept a journal for quite a while which is often inspired by music and scripture. I don’t know why I seem to “kick off” from those movers, but I do. Very often something will happen in my life which is shortly followed by something (like a song or scripture) that prompts me to write.I am not a professional writer, but I do write one heck of a greeting card!
Please be patient as I make my way around this new adventure and stay tune.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
