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I was caught off guard with the slamming of my hope and joy on to the tiled bathroom. Splintering into shards of raw emotion ripping through my weakened reserve. I quickly sucked in a breath as my lips quivered uncontrolled as I tried to get myself to walk out the bathroom door. My husband had taken the day off. He was not use to seeing me break down but today was not one day that I could keep up the facade that he had grown accustomed to. I usually kept these emotions that could break me at bay when Chris was not around. It wasn’t fair to drag him with me down that slippery slope called depression. I have been fortunate that he had been spared many of these emotional times of mine.
I was scared. When I came out of the chemo induced coma and my life would never be the same. There were still cancer cells in my body, at least there was a very good chance they still existed. With only getting two treatments I wondered what could that have possibly done? Speaking with a very astute doctor in Boston reminded me not to underestimate what could have happened. The chemo was in my body too long for my body to function against the destruction that was happening to my brain. Because it was in by body so long the treatment could have indeed worked.
Usually I hold on fiercely to that and function with all the rest to the back door of my brain. But today as I shower I go over the place where the chemo port had been in my body is still tender from being removed.
It was flooded with the realization that the next month would have been the last of my chemo treatments and that God willing all those isolated cancer cells would have been destroyed. Instead I will be taking a test in the next two weeks to see if the cancer has grown or developed. Slap. In reality of “what next” flooded my already raw emotions.
I had fought hard to come out of that coma. Fully believing that had I not fought I would have died. So I wondered why did I live (a miracle in itself) if I were just to get cancer again.
There was no way I would go through this day without breaking down. So, as best as I could muster I told my husband that I was having and emotional day. I told him my fear. Fear of pain and of suffering. Of receiving one miracle after the other all my life to come down to watching and waiting my whole life long. I was a hot mess.
He let me be. He made me lunch, he cuddled me, he not just embraced my body but surrounded my tender soul with hope only a love one can give. It can be all pretend, but you choose to allow yourself to be encouraged and the fear begins to be once again be pushed down, covered and stomped on. Until the next time.
You both live in this almost pretend world. Your trust in God is still strong because you know it truly is in His hands. You trust Him and know that when that time does come, that the hand that reaches for you, will remove the pain, the fear and suffering. This door is for you, not just to exit, but to enter as His perfect being.
It is days like these that I pray forward. That tender facade is stronger than I can imagine. It let’s me put one foot in front of the other. Embracing each day and making different priorities in my life that I pray I can reach. They are not far reaching, but like a brisk walk on the fall day it feels good when you are participating in something worth while. Yet, you wonder if it makes a difference. Dare I hope?
It haunts me. Like a ghost who roams, my thoughts fly forward and backward as I gather control of my feelings. I know that during these times one would not be surprised about these moments of depression considering what the facts are. But, to me it all reminds me of a ghost that walks the hallways trying for a different outcome, only to continue to be on the hamster wheel not knowing enough to get themselves off. Or, have I eventually learned enough not to participate in this dizzying practice to begin with.
I am tired. I will go to bed and say prayers while holding a rosary. A relic of my childhood I now find comfort in using them to center and guide me while I say those repetitive prayers. Feeling better after each one, I begin to doze. I will sleep soon and pray that I have a good night for sleeping (because these are getting harder to come by as well) A small reprieve from the internal clock I feel ticking inside. I relax and breath deliberately and as I say my last prayer. I know He knows me by name. I know he has been beside me since the day of my birth. Maybe wondering what I would accomplish with that free will he so lovingly imparted. Because of this free will, we choose to love Him and desire to be loved back. All the way back to the essence of our soul.
Tonight I will feel the love and for now I will be satisfied that I live for today and must learn that this will be my way of life. Blessed even during fear and the haunting thoughts from the back of my brain. For now, that is okay.
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